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Approximately 75% of divorce is caused by a lack of commitment, which can manifest in many ways, one of which is emotional neglect in marriages.

Understanding marital silence is key to addressing it and finding a resolution. It helps couples find a safe and healthy ground where communication becomes natural, and feelings flow between one another. This helps them find marital happiness and satisfaction from the genuine emotional connection it nurtures.

Understanding Marital Silence—What It Really Is

The Love I Thought I Knew by Donald Marcus Welch details the many challenges couples endure and overcome for a marriage to succeed—and the most common one is communication.

Communication should come easily for couples, save for some instances where emotions run too intense and words get stuck. However, this shouldn’t be a long-term, stubborn problem. When couples genuinely love each other, they will always prioritize communication to resolve problems. But when they’re detached, silence and avoidance easily come in.

It’s surprising yet dangerously becoming normal how communication has become a problem instead of a solution. More and more couples suffer due to what could’ve been resolved if only both spoke honestly.

Fear of speaking up is valid.

But when it causes emotional distance between spouses, then it becomes a problem.

Marital silence does just that.

Marital Silence vs. Intentional Space

Silence isn’t inherently bad.

As they say, it’s better to be silent than say hurtful things when emotions peak. However, the difference between this and marital silence is intention.

Giving space is intentional. It’s honestly communicated and mutually understood or decided. Marital silence, on the other hand, is not. It happens when there’s a complete disregard for what the other is feeling by completely shutting down attempts of emotional discussions or connections.

Marital Silence is a manipulative tactic to exert power or avoid conflict. Intentional space is a sincere mechanism that helps couples gather their thoughts and ensure nobody gets hurt more.

Root Causes of This Communication Freeze

Understanding marital silence starts with knowing its reasons.

Why do couples choose silence instead of opting for clear, sincere communication? Whether it’s due to unrealistic expectations or listening barriers, here are reasons silent treatment in relationships is gradually becoming inevitable.

Bottling Feelings

Some people find it hard to pinpoint what they’re feeling, which leads to them bottling emotions, thinking they’ll magically fade. However, more often than not, they don’t. Instead of simmering away, unspoken feelings lead to misunderstandings that impact how couples interact.

Unrealistic Expectations

Most couples can be idealistic about their marriages. While this can have some benefits, it can also result in unrealistic expectations that lead to unmet needs. These expectations pressure both sides to communicate their thoughts and feelings effectively and healthily.

Fear of Vulnerability

Silent treatment is often a result of fear. People may find it hard when others perceive them as weak or vulnerable, and as a result, they end up swallowing emotions instead of communicating them. This can be satisfying personally, but it can also hurt relationships.

Burnout and Stress

External stress can also impact internal connections and relationships. As they say, hurt people hurt people. Often, someone isn’t communicating healthily with their partner, not because they don’t want to, but because they lose motivation because of the weight they’re also carrying.

Practical and Effective Ways to Resolve Marital Silence

The above causes are normal and shouldn’t be faulted. However, as with most things, simply because they’re valid doesn’t mean they should be tolerated. If left unaddressed, these reasons can cause emotional withdrawal in marriages, which, ultimately, will damage and break connections.

Fortunately, rebuilding communication in marriage is possible. Although this may take time and exposure to uncomfortable situations, it is all worth it in the end.

Start Conversations Without Blame

Confrontations can feel very hostile to some people regardless of the other’s intentions. This can inevitably cause them to shut down during discussions. Openness to this can be practiced, but for the other to contribute, it’s important to use “I” statements to open up dialogue. This ensures nobody will feel like they’re blamed and that the conversation will center primarily on actions instead of the person.

Build Emotional Safety

A safe space is vital for healthy and effective communication. Hence, before discussing matters and arguments, setting boundaries about each other’s communication styles is essential. What does a healthy and safe conversation sound like for someone? Knowing that both can have different preferences and comfort is integral to a healthy in-between can be met.

Practice Active Listening

When arguing about something, couples should listen to empathize and understand, not merely to respond. There is a difference between reactive and active listening. The former will urge someone to interrupt and defend themselves, but the latter will ensure that one sincerely empathizes. When couples communicate their feelings, they should genuinely listen to each other.

Constant Check-Ins

Marital silence causes the foundations of genuine communication to collapse. Hence, when it comes to resolving this issue, it’s important that couples proactively rebuild it. This means being consistent with the changes to be met. One way to do so is through daily check-ins with each other—being curious about how the other is feeling and sparking deep conversations will contribute greatly.

A Relationship Where Silence Is Safe, Not Scary

Quiet between couples can be beautiful. With the right reasons, it can be serene and peaceful, not something to be scared of. In addition to developing a healthy way to communicate with one another, couples should also foster a relationship where peaceful silence is understood and emotional distance is easily identified.

It all boils down to effective communication.

Marital silence is a dangerous, substantial enemy. It can start as a harmless coping mechanism that protects couples but later unknowingly leads to marital disconnect. To protect marriages, change starts within. Be open to vulnerability and proactively learn healthy communication practices. One can begin by reading Donald Marcus Welch’s book, The Love I Thought I Knew.

Grab a copy of the book now.